Understanding your inner critic
We tend to view the inner critic as a source of pain and something to diminish.
With all the coaching programs and self-improvement books available to us, it’s no wonder that the inner critic has become the naughty kid at school and earned itself a bad rep!
The thing is, the inner critic is a product of our most innate human need: safety. We need the inner critic for survival. We don’t need to ‘get rid of’ the inner critic.
If you are someone who has a crippling critic, I appreciate this can be hard to hear. Stay with me as I debunk the most common inner critic myths. I guarantee there is something to be learned.
Myth #1: Your inner critic is only there to torment you
Despite its often harsh methods and unproductive results, the inner critic is almost always* working to help or protect us from perceived pain and suffering, like; motivating us to improve, giving us the illusion of control, lowering expectations to avoid disappointment, or even masking the painful feelings of guilt and shame. The desire to keep us free from pain is generally what motivates the inner critic, therefore it is helpful to get to the inner critic by turning towards it with curiosity and interest. You might even ask yourself “what might my inner critic be trying to protect me from? Staying open and kind as you explore the response.
Myth #2: Your inner critic’s voice is your own
Did you notice in myth #1 I put an asterisk after ‘almost always’? Sometimes, our inner critical voice is not our own. That is, it stems from another source outside of our own subpersonality. For example, someone who was bullied profusely may experience self-critical thoughts or internalised shame - a direct result of the words or actions that were inflicted upon them. It is helpful to check in mindfully and ask yourself “are the critical thoughts mine or harsh words of another?”. The harsh criticism of others that shows up as self-critical thoughts has no redeeming value and is certainly something to release.
Myth #3: You can block your inner critic out
What you feel you can heal. What you resist, persists. Inner critics do not take to being pushed away lightly. They want to be heard and understood. Strategies like ignoring or challenging may work for a moment or two, but rarely bear relief in the long run. Mindful self-compassion work is the antidote to inner criticism. Self-compassion (when practised mindfully) acknowledges the critic’s intentions, whilst also holding space for the unconditional loving and accepting part of ourselves. In time, mindful self-compassion transforms the inner critic into inner discernment.
There’s no doubt that when we face our inner critic, it can be daunting. Remember that by approaching the inner critic with kindness and understanding, we don’t allow it to take over and instead we invite it to evolve with us.